Paper Haters

i have a “Cincinnati Enquuirer ” newspaper from July 23rd , 1989 . this paper is mainly about the life of johnny bench after he passed away in 1983 . im courious as to if it is worth anything . its in pretty good condition considering its age . thank you .

Now, there are a few things to note about this inquiry.

* Newspapers are not worth anything. Come on, man, everyone knows that.

* Johnny Bench is still alive.

* Hang on a second. If Dear Reader actually has a newspaper from 1983 that has a story about Johnny Bench’s death, it probably is worth something.

This guy, who in his online submission form claims to be part of the Nazi Party of Central Massachusetts, really wants to read his local news. And exercise his right to free speech. And maaaaaybe burn a cross on the newspaper’s lawn.

XXXXXXX.com is not allowing me access. I will sue yuo cocksuckers and seek the ACLU’s blessing. Grow a pair you bunch of fucking bithces.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think one of this newspaper’s readers is feral. Hide yer daughters!

Get this through your pointy skull: it’s FERAL, not WILD! There are no wild pigs anywhere in the Western Hemisphere! All pigs are exotic species, and when released into the wild they are FERAL, not WILD! Their behavior is wild, they live in the wild, but they are not WILD! Are you getting it now, you web-toed mouth-breathing high school drop-out?

P.S. Web-toed mouth-breathing high school drop-out is my new favorite insult. I encourage everyone to start using it immediately.

If you don’t like the Kentucky Derby, well, you best high-tail it out of Louisville for the next few weeks. This reader knows what I’m talking about:

Hey, hope there’s a story in tomorrow’s paper about the state of Uncle Mo’s stool. Yes it’s that time of year, when you morons overwhelm us with horse racing minutiae that only … well, maybe someone cares about it. Certainly not the average reader or subscriber.
 
Do we get excited about Derby? Of course. It’s awesome and fun and great for our city. But we don’t get excited about having the sports pages turn into the horse pages.
 
Can’t wait for more pictures of horses being walked around! Or of horses galloping! And really can’t wait for all the workout crap. And for 10 more stories about Uncle Mo and what his trainer and owner think his chances are!
 
Morons.

I have been told by several residents in [town] of an article about my son in Saturday’s paper. I tried to buy a copy of the the paper and the whole town was sold out. S0 I tried to read it on this stupid web site and it isn’t here. So I guess I am just venting until I can get a copy on Tuesday. I Just wanted someone to know how bad your reporting sucks and the web page as well.

Sadly, the most astounding part of this submission is that hard copies of a daily newspaper were actually sold out. Sigh.

This letter actually ran in a daily newspaper.

To the editor:

For the past four nights of seven nights, I have had the darndest dream that scares me in afterthought. My wife was in need of an over-the-counter drug that helps her sleep so I went to the nearest drug store.

Upon arriving at the parking lot I was amazed to see 200-300 cars seeking parking spaces. Also, a number of people running in and out of the automatic doors. I parked on the next block, residential, and walked 5-6 blocks to the pharmacy. Inside the pharmacy were several dozen people screaming and shoving one another. There were so busy with yelling and cursing on another no one paid any attention to me as I approached the service counter. The young lady yelled at me, “If you do not have Russian or Chinese money, I cannot help you!”

Do dreams in numbers really come true?

Attention, PR folks: If you want a media outlet to give you some pub, try using spellcheck. And Learn how to Use Capitalization properly. And become familiar with the English language. That is all.

EDITOR:  Please help us get a write up on PLAYER A our Record breaking QB for for Three years now, he used to play for the PRO TEAM.  Please give us a write up on our game on the 26th of June 2010 at 6pm at XXXXXX HS Stadium.  We need to fill the stands on this night!..It will be a Military Appreciation Day Game, the DAV,NABVETS, and VFW will be speial invites, as you too.  I have already sent you Press Tickets.  EDITOR, does the XXXXX and XXXXXX area have a a day for their News.  I have talked to alot of XXXXX in both areas-and they wonder why CITY Sports does not give their XXXXX & XXXXX area AAA Minor League Teams any coverage. Please help us get our Winning games pubhlished in your Sports Column.  Unlike the PRO TEAM A and PRO TEAM B We Win, and we don’t play for $$$, our Tickets prices are low, We Play for the love of the game, Kinda like the COLLEGE TEAM A, But we have No scholarships, But need FANS, please help us. Times are tough, But we can help you sell Newspapers over this Online Garage. Please get in touch.

A little background: COACH leaves UNIVERSITY A for UNIVERSITY B. Newspaper covering UNIVERSITY A sometimes publishes stories about COACH’s goings-on at UNIVERSITY B. This, of course, is wholly unacceptable.

Please stop writing stories about COACH. I could care less. I dont know if one of your writers has a boner for UNIVERSITY B or COACH, but its annoying. How about more stories on the UNIVERSITY A football team and UNIVERSITY A’S COACH.

It is clear that the reporter designed the article to be slanted. And it was also slantedly designed with just the right amount of white space.

I should not be surprised but this is now at least the 3rd article on this issue and there has never been so much as a “veiled” attempt to talk to those whom deal with this issue every day and agree action should be taken to insure the safety of our families, as well as others. This article, although the least overtly slanted, is designed to draw attention of those whom would disagree with ANY proposed improvement and is designed to do nothing more then defeat this motion again.

I wonder if the writer stopped up at PLACE this week when this was written? Did she notice the road is down to less then 1 lane, severely rutted and washed out (as usual)? Did the writer research and find the accident report from the motorist that drove down hill this winter, flipped due to road iced over? You see, this miraculous gravel traction does not allow road to ever be efficiently plowed due to constant rutting. Therefore at night, snow left over that has slightly melted goes to ice. Sounds fun huh?

I am sure you don’t enjoy the prospect of not being able to get home, as road in winter is impossible to get up without a 4 wheel drive. Nice huh? We are concerned about trees but I need to drive a SUV to get home (we own a Prius, my mistake apparently)?

I do not mind the coverage, but enough with the slanted views and coverage, it is absolutely irresponsible and reckless. Press should be ashamed of the product.

High school all-star teams bring out the best in everyone involved. A real feel-good feature in the paper, don’t you think?

Congrats to all the athletes for their very successful seasons. Special kudos to all those HIGH SCHOOL NAME athletes mentioned.

I can’t believe the XXXXXXX had the nerve to leave the rest of the HIGH SCHOOL NAME kids off the honor roll, what a farce.

Not sure what “gynmastics” is, but it sounds kinda dirty.

Boy’s do have Gynmastics and it is an NCAA sport. Too bad the NEWSPAPER refuses to cover the fact that we have over 10 Nationally ranked Boys headed to Indy in May to represent the State of XXXXX. And these kids have muscles and are in the weight room as much as the football players. And they are friends kids and NOT mine! Can we please have a make-over of the sports section which only covers HS sports similar to the OTHER NEWSPAPER? PLEASE. Best Sports coverage I have EVER seen. Boys and Girls are covered equally.

Family-friendly entertainment? Apparently not, according to this enraged reader/circus-goer.

This is our third year of going to the circus and each year we get
reserved seating. This year, I debated going due to the poor
performance last year. What has happened to the circus? My family
went to the 4:30 p.m. show on March 26.

First thing my 3-year-old asked is, where are all the animals? What
happened to the monkey and the bears, like when we were kids? Also,
the so-called clown that just had a red nose, shiny vest and hat on —
that’s not a clown and he did the same act for the last three years.
We all know that a dog was in the elephant costume. The ———‘s
clowns in the lobby should have been in the circus.

Then the line-dancing cowgirls come on in, prompting my 3-year-old to
turn to me and ask, where is all their clothing? I didn’t think
dancing girls are part of the circus. A 3-year-old noticed the
cowgirls were half naked and all the costumes were so revealing.

I don’t let him watch shows like that at home.

It truly worries me you think this is family friendly. Is this the
only circus around? I’ve heard such good things about CITY’S
circus. I don’t mind supporting the ———— but I will not be going
back to the circus any time soon unless something changes.

Best line of the letter? “We all know that a dog was in the elephant costume.” This week’s goal: Try to work that phrase into a conversation.

The following memo was sent from a managing editor to the entire newsroom, no doubt the result of some serious (and likely justified) paper hating. Mark this down in the category of “things a managing editor never imagined he would have to tell his staff.”

To: NEWSROOM

Subject: Please do not use this term

Please avoid “tea baggers” in print and online, in stories and in places like NEWSPAPER FEATURE.

It’s more trouble than it’s worth.

If you want a graphic explanation, try the Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=teabagger

You’ll pretend to be the “journalist,” she’ll pretend to be the “reader.” Isn’t this fun?!

If your columns are considered humorous, I must have missed something. I managed to get through the first one, but the second one was just not worth the read. You sound more angry (and sophomoric) than anyone I’ve read in a long time.

I’m sorry my local has decided to give you editorial space. Progressives ought to be able to make a point without being caustic. They’re hearing from their readership (which appears to be hemorrhaging). Most seem to agree that you’re an unfortunate pick from the bottom of the barrel.

If the paper heads south sooner than expected, they’ll probably blame pretend “journalists” like you.

While calling to get some information on a sentencing correction, the woman’s boyfriend answered the phone and chastised me for “sensationalizing” another sentence from the same day.
Here’s what I know:
1) The judge said a gentleman’s “staggering previous record” took up 6 1/2 pages of the pre-sentence investigation.
2) I wrote “nearly seven.”
What can I say? It’s how you sell papers. Sigh.

Hey, we’re journalists, not mathletes.